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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

In Retrospect: Looking back to move forward


Whenever you look back on your life, you can see all the mistakes, all the missed possibilities, all the what-ifs.  It is easy to nit-pick and question everything when you look back—like I did today.

We are trying to get TJ an IEP.  It is our 4th try since he was “graduated” out back in preschool.  Back then, we were told he was past grade level with his speech and there was nothing more they could do for him; he didn’t need special education anymore.  Nothing more they could do, ha!

Anyway, we were young and inexperienced in special education.  We had not been jaded yet.  We figured the professionals knew best and that they were truly doing what was right for him.  He was mainstreamed that next fall into a traditional kindergarten. 

His year started off bad and progressively got worse.  His teacher was not at all understanding about his problems and said demeaning things in front of him.  She said he could not cut, could not color, could not write.  He heard all this and started to believe it.  He started self-injurious behaviors and we started having him see a private therapist.

We tried to set up a meeting with the principal and the teacher, but when we got there we were ambushed us with a behavioral plan meeting.  They really were not looking out for his best interest.  We immediately pulled him out of the school and I homeschooled him until we found another placement—preferably out of the district.

That ended up being a private Montessori elementary school that was way out of our financial abilities.  Going more and more into debt each month, we were hoping this school would be the answer.  After all, Maria Montessori developed the educational approach specifically for special needs children in Italy.

Boy, were we wrong.  TJ was bullied at the school.  TJ was sent home early many times for disruptive behavior.  TJ was not allowed to be evaluated for moving up to their 1st grade class because they didn’t think he would be a good match.  TJ was not allowed to go on the kindergarten graduation field trip.

We tried to go back to the school district and ask for an IEP, but we were turned down.  Why?  Well, they knew how to play us…they told us that all his behaviors were because he was gifted.  They showed us charts that put his IQ off the charts and told us that the private school just didn’t know how to handle his advanced educational needs.

What parent doesn’t want to be told that the only problem with their child is that they are too smart?  It was the perfect way out for them.  Don’t get me wrong, I know my son is smart (both of them are), but his behaviors were from more than just being unchallenged.

Anyhow, unable to continue at the private school, but we were able to convince them to let him “graduate” from their kindergarten class.  We ended up looking back at what our district had to offer.  We decided on a Montessori magnet school our district has.  We figured the unstructured model of Montessori and the educational standards of a public school would be a good match for TJ.

The school did work out fairly well for TJ, but there were issues along the way and we tried 2 more times to get him an IEP.  There was always another reason why he was “normal,” “testing fine,” etc.  We did end up getting a 504 plan last year, but an IEP was always the goal.

But with TJ being in middle school, the stakes have risen.  Middle school is a social quagmire that has to be carefully navigated by even the most social adept.  How would TJ survive?  It didn’t take long to figure out. 

On the 2nd day of school, his best friend from elementary school told him they shouldn’t be friends anymore.  He did it just as TJ was coming over to eat lunch with him.  TJ was shaken.  He went off to eat lunch alone and ended up falling and hurting his ankle.  I wondered if the kid was snickering when that happened, but I didn’t want to torture myself too much with the possible scenarios.  He is still eating lunch alone.

Luckily, I put in the request for an IEP a few weeks before school started.  The timeline mandated by law would ensure his testing would happen as soon as possible after school started.  And today, I got a phone call from the school psychologist.  She is reviewing his files and putting together the assessment plan.  She wanted to know my concerns.  I have had these phone calls before and they usually seem neutral or unfeeling.

This one surprised me.  She was shocked he let out of speech when he was 4.  She said a lot of our concerns could be linked to a need for pragmatic speech therapy.  We had dreamed of someone else thinking he needed that!

Now, we are still in the early stages of the IEP process, but I feel a little cautiously optimistic.  Maybe they will finally see what TJ needs.  Maybe he will be given the tools necessary to lead a relatively normal life.  Maybe, just maybe…

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